I’m going take my dead ass home….

I’m a sadsack right now. I’m feeling so sorry for myself and so undesirable that I actually considered an anonymous hookup on craigslist. I wish I had someone to explore this feeling with. I bought some expensive shoes and I thought this would help. It didn’t. So for all the lovers, and everyone who has a consenting sexual partner… get one in for me.

Go on out and hurt yourself.

Whenever I get angry, I think about hurting myself. I tell myself okay why don’t you just hurt yourself. It’s a terrible cycle. It hurts when you realize that maybe you aren’t as smart as you thought you were. Knowing you’ve been manipulated and knowing that its by the person you trusted the most cripples you. Suddenly you’re checking everything you thought you believed and wondering just what else you’ve been fooled by. It feels like everything. It feels like I should stop trying.  I’ll keep going, but everything I thought I knew about my relationship and love has been erased.

I only want to hear one song. Its dumb when you can remember the things your lover told you, but they can’t. Those words and promises meant something to you, but in reality they meant nothing to your lover. Rather they meant it when they said it, but its difficult to remebering saying it. Unfortunately, it’s out of sight and out of mind.  They never mean to hurt you but they do. They will. One day you won’t care what they say or what they meant. And neither will they. Finally youll treat them with the same abandon they treat their promses. Today’s the day. This month is the month. This year is the year. The words don’t matter anymore.

Deciphering desire

I still can’t do it. I know what I want but am still too afraid to articulate. I have this Tim Gunn quote on my wall about how he hasn’t had sex in 29 years. Maybe it gets easier after the first year. I know it was when I was a teen, but then I was using porn whenever I felt anything remotely sexual.

Here’s what I’ve come away with:
1. How much you desire sex does not correlate to how desirable you are. It just so happens this is how it plays out in your mind. Especially when you only want to be with one person, but that person doesn’t want to be with you or can’t be with you.

2. Maybe all the romantic movies I’m watching are a new form of porn. I feel happier when I watch them. Sometimes I fantasize going to different remote islands and in my dreams my lover doesn’t have a face or a color, he’s just interested in me. He tells me I’m beautiful. He hugs me. He makes love like we’re best friends, not like we just met. He initiates it and he doesn’t get angry at me when I point out things I want.

3. I oscillate between being celibate forever and just wanting to be with him. But he is oblivioud to this. I can’t explain it in a clinical way that he doesnttake offense to so I’ve stopped explaining.

4. Now I’m going back to food again, but I’m fighting it. I plan to get into more activities. I’m going to hire a trainer. I want to up my gym time to 90 min every other day. It feels like by the 45 min point I’m just getting warmed up. The lack of sex in my life and my inability to say that I want to have it makes me feel like I’m going crazy.

5. I smoke a lot more weed now to handle my desire.

6. When you don’t find yourself sexy, you’ll constantly look for validation from the outside. You’ll never find it from the outside. There’s no person who can give it to you. There’s definitely a confidence problem that I’m struggling with.

I’ll be content with my imagination for now. Nothing really xrated happens in them its just a general feeling of being desired and having someone want you. I know this exists somewhere but Im chilling on it. I’m realizing that what I want isn’t what I need.

Killing me softly/black like me

Many survivors of sexual abuse often work to become very fat or very thin in an attempt to render themselves unattractive. In this way, they try to de-sexualize themselves. Other survivors obsessively diet, starve, or purge to make their bodies ‘perfect.’ A perfect body is their attempt to feel more powerful, invulnerable, and in control, so as not to re-experience the powerlessness they felt as children. Indeed, some large men and women, who are survivors of sexual abuse, are afraid to lose weight because it will render them feeling smaller and childlike. This, in turn, may bring back painful memories that are difficult to cope with.

A patient described how she gained 30 pounds at the age of 8. Her mother accused her of eating too many raviolis at the school cafeteria. She was scared to tell her mother that her uncle was sexually molesting her. Another patient had been abused by her alcoholic father starting at age 7. As a teenager, she binged and made herself throw up before going out with her boyfriend because she felt dirty, anxious, and guilty about her sexual feelings.

- wearing your weight as armor

Yeah, all that. I said that being felt helped because it made me invisible. Little did I know or understand that I was blaming myself for the sexual assault that happened to me. I was looking for a  to not feel or be sexualized. As a fat woman, that still happens. You can still be sexualized. Weight comes with its own problems, mainly that people feel they can openly disrespect you.

I’ve binged. I’ve starved. I’ve purged. I watched my mom purge. My entire life weight has been linked to sexuality. Skinny girls are wanted. When I was sexually assaulted.as a child and as a teen, I was thin. When I turned 16, I decided the best thing to do was gain weight so no one would bother me anymore. So I wouldn’t have to hear men call at me, talk about parts of my body, call me names if I didn’t respond.

Slowly I’ve been killing myself softly with this guilt, with this story, with this song…..

Pretty emotional day to day

And I can tell that it was because of how o feel silenced and controlled. When someone tells you how to talk. When after you talk they analyze and recontextualize what you say and tell you how you could or should have said it. When they tell you that one of your strongest skills with everyone else is the weakest when you’re talking to them. When they throw things. When they can’t control themselves. When they don’t act that way with any one else. When their apology is bent on you not voicing your opinion about it.

I know I’m messed up because I really want to eat a whole cake, a whole quart of ice cream. Anything with lots of sugar that will help me feel better temporarily. I have to stop myself from spending to make myself feel better. My vices are here and I have to keep telling them no.

Didn’t go to the gym today

Feeling kind of guilty about not going to the gym. I remember this one time I went on a spree and spent money on lingerie. They were these really nice underwear. I remember thinking, hoping, praying that he would be excited about them. In movies when a woman puts on lingerie, their partners notice it.

He didn’t. He wasn’t excited. Never has been with me and that type of thing. There’s only one thing he liked that I got and it was a ruffle black skirt years ago. Until recently, I rationalized that it was just that he didn’t like it. But he likes it when its on other people or in porn cause its part of the fantasy there.  I’ve never put much faith in the madonna/whore complex and am not sure that I do now. But what I know is that all the time we spend online looking for porn there’s a very lomely spouse out there driving themselves crazy trying to figure out what we like and why we don’t love them anymore.
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Silence! Bring me my girls!

Alright here we go, we’re going to lash out for a little bit. Let’s get angry with compassion for ourselves.

I fucked up. I did something I shouldn’t have out of desperation. It doesn’t matter what it was, because all that matters is that those are the facts. I wish I could take it back, and I wish I could take back the last 12 years of my life.

I wish I had gone away to art school, travelled the world and been single this entire time. But what am I saying here? I’m saying I want to nurture my natural talents, visit other places and I wish I’d done all these things in my youth.

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Now that you’re asking.. Yes, I did feel that!

  • Have you noticed that  you:
    • procrastinate more than before using porn, have lower motivation (don’t care), chronic fatigue, brain-fog, or difficulty concentrating or remembering things?
    • have become more anxious, restless, impulsive, stressed, irritable, unhappy, pessimistic, emotionally numb, or depressed?
    • have become more secretive, or isolated more?

Sure, I felt all that. But I kept saying that it wasn’t because of porn it was because of other stuff in my life. Soon I started cutting the other stuff out until all that was left was my SO and porn. I ditched the porn first and became increasingly happy — I felt like I finally reached a baseline after months of scouring the internet for 4 minutes out of 30 minute videos a piece to help me get off. Then I stopped being with my partner. Now, I’ve noticed these feelings are gone. The next piece is finding a job I like and that doesn’t involve the abuse I’ve come to expect from everything else in my life.

This is completely consistent with the “binge trigger” concept: the idea that when the brain registers intense excitement (in the form of a neurochemical signal that something really valuable is about), it numbs itself temporarily in order to urge us to pursue more of it. The Daoists said too much climax “depletes the brain,” which is consistent with this concept, as the numbing is likely to be, in part, a product of reduced D2 (dopamine) receptors in the brain’s striatum.

Whatever the precise mechanism(s), the result can be that, instead of feeling satisfied after intense sexual arousal, we soon hungrily look around for further stimulation. In fact, the hotter the hook-up, the stronger the chaser. So be ready for it.